The VelociPastor (2017) Review

 

The VelociPastor (2017) Review

 

There are good movies, there are bad movies, and then there's The VelociPastor.

The origin of how I found out about this movie is almost as random as the way the guy who made it came up with the idea. My cousin sent me this meme: 

We laughed, and I looked it up to see if it was real, because some of these crazy ideas for movies are just fan made (example: LASERPOPE) but there are so many unbelievable ones that do exist it can be hard to know for sure. I discovered that yes, The VelociPastor was an actual movie, and obviously we had to watch it, thinking it would probably be so bad it would be entertaining. But, we were wrong, because the filmmakers clearly wanted us to think that going into it, only for us to be hoodwinked. Writer/director Brendan Steere came up with the idea when his phone autocorrected the word “velociraptor” to “Veloci Pastor”, and after years of trying to get the idea crowdfunded, they completed the movie on a budget of 36,000 bucks.

This is not the case of a so-bad-it’s-good movie that starts out as a serious effort and becomes entertaining because of how poorly made it is, like Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. It begins with a title card that says: “Rated X by an all-Christian jury” and you know immediately this is meant to be a comedy, not trying and failing to be a horror/action/thriller and being funny as a result. The premise is a bit of a play on the idea of a werewolf, except a priest named Doug becomes cursed to turn into a Velociraptor after going to China and getting cut by a large tooth. He saves the life of a prostitute named Carol and they become romantically involved, but as you can probably imagine, dating a guy who turns into a dinosaur isn’t easy, especially when ninjas are also pursuing him.

There’s a term coined by RedLetterMedia for the kinds of movies VelociPastor seems to be a part of called “watch bait” which uses a familiar free-use word like “shark” or “exorcist” or “Amityville” coupled with a poster using dramatic art that does not accurately represent the quality of the actual film. Usually with movies like these there are some distinct qualities to them, one of which is attempting to achieve visual effects that the ultra-low-budget cannot accomplish in a way that’s even close to what the original vision was (if the filmmakers ever had a true vision in the first place). What VelociPastor does so cleverly is circumvent this challenge by turning the very concept into a joke. Instead of showing a poorly rendered CGI car on fire, there’s a shot of Doug’s parents standing beside a car, then in the next shot they are gone and there’s a title card that reads “VFX: Car on fire” while an explosion and burning sound effects are heard. If you find that funny, this movie will entertain you, and if you think that’s dumb, then you probably take life too seriously and need to chill, but also probably won’t find this movie very entertaining.

The handling of the no-budget-jokes is done effectively throughout and culminates in a final battle between a bunch of ninjas and Doug’s raptor form, and while it’s tempting to spoil it and talk about it in detail, I won’t, because you just have to see it to believe it and fully appreciate it. We get glimpses of the rubber dinosaur suit earlier, but they give viewers exactly what they want to see before the end. Speaking of ninja fights, it doesn’t disappoint in that regard, either, with some moments of action throughout the movie. Besides just being visually funny largely due to the low budget effects (or lack thereof) the dialogue is also absurdly hilarious, supporting characters who you wouldn’t expect would get so much character development are explored much deeper than necessary (which only makes it funnier), and there are even some clever editing moments that generate laughs.

While VelociPastor obviously looks nothing like what the poster seems to be advertising, it is not an example of watch bait. I think it cleverly plays on those watch bait title clichés and the viewers who get it will get it. This movie is not trying to trick you, it knows exactly what it is, what it is trying to be, and what audience it is intended for, and for that, I commend them. I would compare this movie in some ways to Thankskilling (link to my review for that low-budget horror/comedy here: https://cccmovies.blogspot.com/2019/10/thankskilling-2009-review.html) but I think VelociPastor is actually even better in a few aspects. It’s reasonably well shot at times, the acting is amateur but not horrendous, and it’s paced pretty well, too. The music is also unexpectedly great, with a perfect use of the song “I Didn’t Have Time to Think” by Math the Band which I had never heard before but it was immediately added to my playlist after the movie ended. In terms of having a ludicrous premise and winking to the audience about it the entire time, I think VelociPastor figured out a way to do it pretty damn effectively.

Do not just watch The VelociPastor thinking it’s an easily-accessible comedy film. I only recommend it to those viewers who are predisposed to cheap, silly entertainment and find particular enjoyment in unconventional genre filmmaking that accomplishes something different from your typical low-budget trash film. It is, dare I say, almost legitimately good for what it is, and delivers on its premise in a satisfyingly cheesy yet earnest way.