C.C.C. Issue #18: Top Ten Worst Dinosaur Movies

You've seen the best, now it's time for the worst. After examining ten great dinosaur movies, it’s time to dig up the coprolites (A.K.A. fossil feces) that are these ten terrible Triassic terrors (wow that’s a lot of T’s). What I’m getting at is, these ten dinosaur movies will fossilize your brain with their terribleness.

[Dis]Honourable Mentions: The Eden Formula (2006) and The Lost World (1960). The first film here makes use of stock footage from the Carnosaur film series, and is about a T-rex that gets loose and attacks Los Angeles. I’ve never seen it, but from what I’ve read online, it sounds like it could be worse than all ten of these movies. As for the second film, though not horrible, it isn’t a great adaptation of the novel by Arthur Conan Doyle, and the dinosaurs fail to deliver. It seems the director tried to cheap out by gluing plastic horns on iguanas and baby crocodiles, make the poor animals fight on a miniature set, and call it a dinosaur battle. Not only is it unconvincing, I’m pretty sure some animal cruelty laws were broken here, too.   

10. All Monsters Attack (1969)

Starting off this list is a Godzilla movie that represents the lowest point for the character in cinematic history. Godzilla is a dinosaur, technically speaking. Considered a combination of a Tyrannosaurus, Stegosaurus, and Iguanodon, Big G is not only a unique cinema hybrid, but one of the most famous monsters in history—certainly the most well known giant monster. So technically speaking, every Godzilla film is a dinosaur film, and though I didn’t include any of them on my best dinosaur movies list, here I am presenting the absolute worst of all the Godzilla films. First off, it makes use of stock footage from previous Godzilla flicks, which is fine if you haven’t seen those respective films, but if you have, then you’ve already seen the best parts of All Monsters Attack. The three main problems are 1) the movie exists outside of the Godzilla timeline, so everything feels inconsequential, 2) the film is targeted directly at children, complete with a heartfelt message that isn’t even clear to begin with, but is essentially about standing up for yourself, and 3) it features a child actor as the main character. Other problems worth noting are the ridiculous plot, stupid looking monster, and overuse of Godzilla’s son, Minilla. Aside from a couple okay fight scenes, there is little here that Godzilla fans will respond to, and next to nothing for any casual viewer to enjoy.

9. Carnosaur 3: Primal Species (1996)

For what they’re worth, Carnosaur and Carnosaur 2 were decent pieces of entertainment. Carnosaur 3, on the other hand, dropped to an even lower level than the first two movies. The main criticisms of Carnosaur were the questionable animatronic dinos and insane plot. While the dinos were hit and miss (though mostly miss) they were still entertaining, and the plot was crazy enough to keep you interested. With Carnosaur 2, though the plot basically rips everything off from Aliens and inserts dinosaurs as villains, the dinos still made enough appearances to make this a mostly worthy sequel. With Carnosaur 3, the plot descends into utter failure, and the dinosaurs—the film’s real stars which are supposed to make this watchable—fail to leave any sort of impression due to lack of screen time, and when they do show up, they’re every bit as clunky and rubber looking as before. The main issue I have is the plot. It’s so far removed from the last two movies that I couldn’t even figure out how it was related (not that it really matters at all). It could have just been called Primal Species, but I guess they wanted the semi-marketability of the Carnosaur title. This is a supremely bad threequel, but you know which threequel is even worse...?

8. Prehysteria 3! (1995)

...Prehysteria 3! I guess I should explain what the first two Prehysteria! films were about before tackling the third one. As a kid, I enjoyed the first one purely for the dinosaur fun. Five miniature dinosaurs named after famous singers—Elvis the T-rex, Madonna the Pteranodon, Paula the Brachiosaurus, Jagger the Stegosaurus, and Hammer the Chasmosaurus—are stolen as eggs from a South American temple, then after a mix up, get into the hands of two kids who keep them as pets. I loved the idea of miniature dinos as pets, but nowadays the concept seems stupid. The filmmakers kept them small so they would be family friendly and not go around ripping people’s heads off. In Prehysteria! 2, the micro dinos get shipped off in a box of raisins and are discovered by a bullied boy. The dinosaurs (somehow) help him gain the confidence he needs and get him happy about life again. If you thought the ridiculousness couldn’t get any greater, then you are extinct wrong—err, dead wrong. Prehysteria! 3 takes place on a miniature golf course. The dinosaurs’ presence makes the golf course popular again. Let that sink in for a second. If I saw any of these films today, I would probably despise everything about them except the stop motion dinosaur effects, which were decent. Even as a little kid I found Prehysteria! 3 ludicrous and boring.

7. A Sound of Thunder (2005)

This adaptation of a short story by Ray Bradbury, starring Sir Ben Kingsley of all people, is baffling. How an actor can go from winning the Best Actor Academy Award for his portrayal of Ghandi to this pile of garbage is questionable, but what’s even more questionable are the visual effects and plot holes in this train wreck of a film. In the future, Kingsley’s character makes butt loads of money from time safaris, which allow rich people to go back in time and hunt dinosaurs that are going to die naturally anyway, so by hunting them it doesn’t disrupt the timeline and nothing goes wrong. When someone accidently steps on a butterfly on one of these time safaris, however, it creates waves of evolutionary changes in the future/present (surely this is the most literal demonstration of the butterfly effect in a movie ever). Strange and dangerous creatures start popping up everywhere, including killer baboons, slithering serpents, and bat-like creatures. The cgi is consistently terrible and the creatures are lame, but the dinosaur, which plays a fairly important role, is just as bad. The adventurers shoot and kill an Allosaurus, which looks like an animated plastic toy. It’s inexcusable that a 2005 theatrically released sci-fi thriller like this has such poor visual effects, and considering the standards set by Jurassic Park, the Allosaurus is far below sub-par.

6. Super Mario Bros. (1993)

One of the biggest letdowns for a generation, you may not have realized the Super Mario Bros. movie is also a dinosaur movie. Explaining how this is a terrible movie in general and fails to be any kind of good (especially as an adaptation of the classic game) is a whole other issue, so I’ll focus on the dinosaur aspects only. In the film, the Mario Bros. take on King Koopa, a dictator who is trying to fuse an alternate universe with ours. Koopa is a descendant of T-rex. That’s right, he is actually a dinosaur. Near the end of the film he transforms into a humanoid T-rex beastie, which looks ridiculous. Why the filmmakers thought to make a Mario Bros. movie with dinosaurs featured so prominently is beyond my understanding. I suppose because Jurassic Park was coming out around the same time, they were trying to cash in on the dinosaur craze, in an attempt to salvage an otherwise lost cause of a movie. It didn’t help, as Super Mario Bros. tanked at the box office, received negative reviews, disappointed fans, and went down in history as one of the worst video game inspired films ever. For me, it’s not only one of the worst video game movies; it’s also one of the worst dinosaur movies.

5. The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends (2007)

First of all, these movies are made for little kids, which I understand. I’ve even watched many of them again as an adult, and they aren’t all terrible. However, after about the fifth or sixth sequel, the watering hole for ideas began running dry, and the movies began getting worse with each entry. It doesn’t matter which one I mention after the sixth sequel because they are all bad, but this final one—the thirteen one—is surely the worst, since the home video releases seemed to go extinct after its release. I wasn’t able to watch the entire thing due to the excessive annoying songs and even more annoying voice acting. I wasn’t able to gather much from the plot, either, beyond the typical child dinosaur antics; though I’m sure there was a lesson or two thrown in for good measure. Just look at that Roman numeral in the title, how many kids know which number that represents? I bet there are grandparents who don’t even know it! I could easily say this is the worst dinosaur movie of all, but who cares, it’s a show for kids too young to even think yet anyway. It sucks, but it’s still not the worst.  

4. Adventures in Dinosaur City (1991)

I can remember watching this made for TV movie in elementary school, and being left somewhat mystified. Beyond one scene with a sea monster type dinosaur, there was nothing in this entire movie that interested me or kept me entertained. I re-watched it recently and discovered Adventures in Dinosaur City is even worse than I remembered it. The budget for this thing must have been huge, and by huge I mean hugely disappointing. Three teenage friends are left home alone for the weekend. They all sit down to watch a new episode of their favourite TV show, which features anthropomorphic cartoon dinosaurs. During this scene they all groove to the theme song; it’s absolutely hilarious to watch these teens get so jacked up about a show clearly intended for little kids. They end up getting sucked into the show and meeting their heroes, Rex and Tops, who prove to be a lot duller than the show would have led viewers (and the kids) to believe (not sure how that’s possible). After a quick pep talk the two rebel reptiles help the kids defeat evil Mr. Big, who isn’t a chocolate bar unfortunately, but he does have a creepy cloak, so you know he means business.  Besides the poor acting, cheap set designs, and uninspired plot, the dinosaurs are atrocious and the suits limit the actor’s movement greatly. Adventures in Dinosaur City is one of those movies that may be so bad it’s good for some viewers, but for me it just blows.

3. Theodore Rex (1995)

Now we’re deep into the dino doo doo. Theodore Rex (A.K.A. T.rex), starring Whoopie Goldberg as a hardened police detective, finds her character partnered up with a walking, talking Tyrannosaurus rex, who also happens to be a cop. After seeing the movie, it becomes clear why Whoopie Goldberg wanted out of this production. Flawed right from the beginning, Theodore Rex was intended for theatrical release, but I guess because it was so bad it only got released on home video. Theodore is portrayed by a man in a suit, similar in design to the dinos from the TV series Dinosaurs which aired around the same time this was made. Everything about this movie is underwhelming and/or annoying. The dinosaurs simply don’t deliver and don’t work, the humour is just not funny, and the plot is so nonsensical not even a child will be able to accept it. The dinosaur suits even rival Adventures in Dinosaur City in crappiness. Not only one of the worst dinosaur movies ever, it’s one of the worst buddy cop comedies ever, one of Whoopie Goldberg’s worst movies, and a worst in several other regards. Undeniably the worst dinosaur movie of the nineties, it’s different from Adventures in Dinosaur City in that there is no way anyone could think this is so bad it’s good.

2. Age of Dinosaurs (2013)

You may remember this one from my list of top ten worst straight to DVD films. Back from extinction is this atrocious Asylum production, which rips off Jurassic Park more than any other movie represented here. Dinosaurs are brought back to life via cloning just like in Michael Crichton’s novel, and just like in the movie sequel The Lost World: Jurassic Park, the dinosaurs attack a city and cause mayhem. Unlike those two works, however, this is lowest denominator entertainment (if you can even call it that) at its most shameful. The cgi for the dinosaurs is typically shit, but what’s almost surprising is the use of animatronics and puppets, rather than 100 % cgi. And wouldn’t you know it, the puppets look like puppets and the animatronics look worse than animatronics for some of the Jurassic Park inspired them park rides. How are such idiotic films being made as recently as the year 2013?!As I stated before, this isn’t even entertaining or worth your time in the least, and every single person in the credits of this film should feel ashamed for being associated with it.

1. Triassic Attack (2010)

Ian Malcolm said it best: “Now that is one big pile of shit.” By far the most offensively terrible dinosaur movie of all time, there aren’t even words to express how shocking, repugnant, and simply bad this movie is. This is a SyFy made for TV movie, mind you, but it could have been a college film project and it still would be inexcusable. It is literally so bad, I may have to re-work the top ten worst movies list and shove this turd in there somewhere. Dinosaur bones—not dinosaurs with flesh and skin and such, actual articulate skeletons—are brought back to life through some kind of reanimation, and the living skeletons instigate some museum mayhem. I can’t speak for everyone out there, but I personally watch a dinosaur movie with the hope that the dinosaurs deliver, at least. I don’t care so much about the quality of acting or plot; the main goal is to see decent looking dinosaurs causing mayhem. When a dinosaur film like this can’t even deliver on the most basic level of having actual fucking dinosaurs in the movie, then I really don’t know what to say. It’s basically Night at the Museum gone wrong. Another tidbit of shit that makes this abomination even more depressing is it stars Emilia Clarke, who is now famous for playing Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones. Before that TV masterpiece, she was in this TV atrocity.

Ladies and gentleman, after careful consideration I’ve decided, not to endorse these dinosaur movies, and hopefully so have you.

C.C.C. Issue #17: Top Ten Best Dinosaur Movies

Tomorrow the disappointing Walking With Dinosaurs Movie, based loosely on the BBC series of the same name, comes out on blu ray and DVD. I decided to take a look at the ten best movies featuring the ferocious and awesome prehistoric creatures that have scared and fascinated so many people of all ages.

Note: I didn’t include the Jurassic Park sequels, even though in many regards they are better films (mainly in visual effects) than some of the ones I have on here, but to fill three spots with Jurassic Park and sequels would be too easy. 

Honourable mentions: The Land Before Time (1988), When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970), and Godzilla (1954).

Before the endless stampede of straight to video sequels that never seemed to go extinct, there was the theatrically released animated film The Land Before Time, from producer Steven Spielberg (this was years before he went on to direct Jurassic Park, based on Michael Crichton’s dino novel). Even though this was one of my favourites as a kid, it has definitely lost much of the charm since, and I really have no desire to watch it anymore. Yes, it did have a few tense and exciting scenes, but at the end of it all it’s still just a kid’s movie. As for When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, I’ve only seen clips of it and not the full film, but I bet as soon as I do see it one day, I will put it in this list. And as for Godzilla, though undoubtedly a classic, I wanted to give some of the other lesser known dinosaur films a chance on this list. Even though Godzilla is a dinosaur, he isn’t one in the traditional sense; here I’m looking at dinosaurs designed to be close to scientifically accurate.

10. Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend (1985)

First up is this oddball family film, which follows scientists trying to find and capture a living Brontosaurus, known to the local African tribes as Mokele Mbembe. An adventuring couple befriends an infant which they call Baby, and try to reunite her with her parent. This movie is sort of bizarre because it’s clearly targeted at a younger audience, while trying to be something the whole family can enjoy. One scene will feature Baby playing with the scientists and its all laughs and smiles, but the next scene will have the adult Brontosaurus gushing blood as the dinosaurs are brutally attacked with machine guns! Plus, there are multiple shots of African natives with fully exposed breasts. How is this a family film? What it lacks in consistency it makes up for with (mostly) convincing animatronics. The dinosaurs walk, run, swim, and emote, which isn’t half bad considering the age of the film. The action is sporadic and there are a number of sappy scenes, but the depiction of the Brontosaurs is decent enough for this film to get a number ten spot. 

9. Carnosaur (1993) 

This Roger Corman production was rushed into theaters three weeks before Jurassic Park’s wide release, to try and capitalize on the dinosaur craze at the time. The film fails to come anywhere close to the level of quality that Jurassic Park achieved, but looking at it without drawing comparisons, Carnosaur is actually quite entertaining and as sinister as Spielberg’s mega blockbuster, but in a different way. A mad scientist woman (played by Diane Ladd, mother of Jurassic Park star Laura Dern) has the crazy idea of developing a virus which makes women become impregnated with dinosaur fetuses, which burst from the abdomen like a Chestburster out of Alien. She believes the earth belongs to the dinosaurs, not humans, so as well as developing the virus, she injects Dino DNA into chickens. She ends up with a giant clutch of eggs, as well as a full grown Deinonychus and Tyrannosaurus. It’s an insane plot, but what is really entertaining are the dinosaur effects. It’s a mix of unconvincing animatronics and even more unconvincing puppets, but unlike the PG-13 terror that Spielberg’s dinos delivered, these Carnosaurs are out for blood. It’s fully R-rated as Raptors tear people to shreds and women give birth to slimy reptiles. The ending is one of the darkest conclusions to a movie I’ve ever seen. It’s cheesy but amusing, and the sequel Carnosaurs 2 makes for another great Mesozoic massacre. 

8. Planet of Dinosaurs (1978)

You may remember seeing this movie on my Best Worst Movies list. It is bad, yes, but the dinosaurs are superb and movie is entertaining. Think The Lost World, only instead of a plateau it’s an entire planet, and the people are from the future. The main dino that gives the group problems is a giant T.rex, which is one of the best stop motion dinosaurs ever put on screen. I remember seeing numerous shots of it in dinosaur documentaries from the nineties and wondering what movie it was from. When I finally found out I rejoiced. Other dinosaurs that live on this hostile world include Centrosaurus, which is a ceratopsian similar to Triceratops, but with a huge spear-like nose horn, and an Allosaurus the size of a man that’s thick skin make it resistant to laser beams, but not T.rex’s powerful bite. There’s also a giant spider, a swamp serpent, and even the Rhedosaurus model used in The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms appears, but as a large lizard rather than a giant monster. The dialogue is cringe worthy, the acting is weak, and the costumes and props are a joke, but luckily the dinosaurs make frequent enough appearances and are done well enough to make this a fun dinosaur movie worth watching. 

7. The Lost World (1925)

The first film to ever prominently feature dinosaurs, this silent black and white classic is an adaptation of the novel of same name by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who also wrote Sherlock Holmes. Professor George Challenger assembles an expedition to a remote plateau in South America, where they discover a world that time forgot. Dinosaurs, ape men, and other prehistoric creatures roam these lands, and the explorers manage to bring a Brontosaurus back to London, where it runs rampant and escapes into the River Thames. There’s a wide range of animals and dinos, and some truly groundbreaking scenes, including an Allosaurus ambushing a herd of Triceratops, and a fight to the death between a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a spiky Agathaumas. The dinosaur stop motion effects by Willis O’Brien are quite impressive, but are only a precursor to his even more remarkable work on King Kong that came eight years later. This film served as inspiration for many great dinosaur movies to come, including King Kong and Jurassic Park sequel The Lost World: Jurassic Park. 

6. Caveman (1981) 

This is not your typical prehistoric adventure: it is sixty five million times funnier than any other dinosaur movie on this list. Unlike Carnosaur, which intends to be serious but comes across as funny, Caveman is straight up slapstick comedy. Ringo Starr—yes, former Beatles member Ringo Starr—stars as Atouk, a bearded, semi-upright homo sapien who’s about to change the world. He has the skill, the ambition, and cluelessness needed to bring about a new way of life for his people. Together with his buddy Lar (played by a young Dennis Quaid) and a group of outcasts, Atouk plans on overthrowing the meathead leader of his former tribe, Tonda, and taking his dark haired, big breasted girlfriend, Lana, whom he desires to “zug zug” (take a wild guess as to what that means). This movie piles on the laughs scene after scene, and has numerous memorable moments. A clumsy T.rex gets sacked by a blind octogenarian caveman, and later falls off a cliff after being intoxicated by a cannabis-like plant. Atouk and his friends discover a chiropractic technique to make everyone stand upright. A Korean caveman invents English. I could keep going. Go and check this underrated movie out for yourself. It’s not the greatest dinosaur movie ever, but it’s definitely a great movie, period. 

5. Dinosaur (2000)

This mainly animated feature from Disney may not be among the most revered movies in their library, but you cannot deny the incredible spectacle that is Dinosaur. Containing what I would consider the best non-Jurassic Park cgi dinosaurs to be featured in film, Dinosaur still looks amazing today—even if it’s not always 100% photorealistic. The aim of the movie isn’t perfect dinosaur accuracy. Here, the dinos have human looking eyes, speak English, make facial expressions, and have emotions (sometimes too much emotion, to be honest). Aladar, an orphan Iguanodon adopted by Lemurs, is plunged into an unfamiliar and dangerous world, when an asteroid forces him and his adoptive family to join a herd of other dinosaurs heading to a refuge called “the nesting grounds”. Though the plot is similar to Land Before Time, it manages to appeal to a wider audience than just little kids. The ferocious Carnotaurs are terrifying and a nice change from seeing T.rex as the principle meat eater, and the wide variety of plant eaters make for colourful characters, both visually as well as emotionally. Having some of the herbivores possess vindictive qualities, such as herd leader Kron and second in command Bruton, is another welcome change from the typical notion of plant eaters are nice and meat eaters are bad. A visual treat with excellent cinematography, Dinosaur is definitely an underrated dino movie. 

4. One Million Years B.C. (1966) 

This remake of the 1940 film One Million B.C. showcases incredible stop motion effects by Ray Harryhausen, as well as the beautiful Raquel Welch in a now famous fur bikini. Set during a time when cavemen and dinosaurs shared the planet (which never happened, by the way)—a brutish, primeval world of death and chaos—a primitive tribe scrapes out a living in a mountainous area. With tensions high, one unfortunate man, Tumak (played by John Richardson) gets kicked out of the cave and has to fend for himself. He comes across a somewhat more advanced tribe of blonde hunter-gatherers living alongside the sea. Among them is Loana (Raquel Welch), who is instantly attracted to this foreign Cro-Magnon hunk. They run off and face the harsh outside world together, eventually returning to Tumak’s former tribe. The conflict doesn’t stop there, as his cranky old friends see Loana as a threat, and they try to put an end to the prehistoric pair. The creature effects are consistently excellent throughout this movie. There’s a mix of stop motion and real creatures projected to look larger. An epic battle between a Triceratops and a Ceratosaurus, a faceoff between Loana’s tribe and an Allosaurus, and a Pterodactyl that flies away with Loana in its claws are just some of the greatest moments. It has awesome visuals (both in regards to the dinos and Raquel) and is a must see. 

3. The Valley of Gwangi (1969)

The genre mash-up of Western and Science Fiction doesn’t happen often, and when it does, it can be easy to screw up (see Cowboys & Aliens). But no other movie has done this quite as effectively as The Valley of Gwangi. In the mysterious and dangerous Forbidden Valley, dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures still thrive. An unlikely group of adventurers, ranging from circus performers, cowboys, and even a paleontologist thrown in for good measure, discover this valley and all of its dangers firsthand. There are Pterodactyls, a Styracosaurus, and deadliest of all, Gwangi, a purple Allosaurus. At times he looks like a fearsome carnivore; at times he looks like Barney from hell. The scenes of Gwangi getting lassoed by the cowboys and tugging them around are not only exciting, but exquisitely done with stop motion by Ray Harryhausen. Gwangi gets captured and brought back to the circus in a wooden cart/cage, but when he’s lined up for his great debut, a sabotage allows the dino to break free and cause mayhem. He eats people and kills a performing elephant before being barricaded in a church which is set on fire. There are lots of fun action scenes throughout the movie, as well as its fair share of darker, gruesome (for its time) moments, but makes for a fun time all around. 

2. King Kong (tie between both 1933 original and 2005 remake) 

I can’t pick the remake over the original (the seventies remake isn’t even an option), or the original over the remake, because both films deliver top notch dinosaur action and effects. While the original has a timeless battle between Kong and a Tyrannosaurs Rex—all done in flawless stop motion—the remake has a battle where the stakes are even higher, as Kong takes on three V.rexes—not T.rexes, V.rexes: their modern day counterparts—all while juggling poor Anne Darrow who somehow never gets squished or chomped. The story of King Kong has become infused in popular culture: beast falls for beauty, men capture beast and bring him back to civilization, where beauty falls for beast, and beauty ultimately kills the beast. Willis O’Brien’s stop motion effects have stood the test of time and made King Kong a cinematic landmark. Peter Jackson delivered comparatively excellent cgi creatures in his remake, which won the Academy Award for Visual Effects in 2005. The dinosaurs, though mostly inaccurate based on scientific evidence, are still incredible and terrifying. The Brontosaurus, Tyrannosaurus, Stegosaurus, and Pteranodon from the original are all ferocious, and the Venatosaurus, V.rex, and various creatures in the chasm (all created for the remake) are all just as harrowing.

1. Jurassic Park (1993)

Was there ever any doubt? Jurassic Park easily takes top honours as the defining dinosaur film for a generation. For sheer epic adventure, Jurassic Park wins, but throw in a bunch of the best looking dinosaurs ever put to film, and you end up with one of director Steven Spielberg’s finest cinematic accomplishments. When dinosaurs run amok, no one is safe at John Hammond (Rich Attenborough)’s island theme park, as the park’s first guests—including Paleontologist Dr. Grant (Sam Neil), and Dr. Malcolm, played perfectly by Jeff Goldblum—must try to survive the deadly cretaceous clones. At times it’s as scary as Jaws, such as when Hammond’s grandkids are trying to evade a pair of Velociraptors in a kitchen. At times the action is as epic as any Indiana Jones adventure, from the Tyrannosaurus Rex chasing our heroes in a jeep, to Grant and the kids running from a herd of Gallimimus. As for the visual effects, VFX creators at ILM spared no expense, pushing the boundaries with what could be done at the time. Though there are only a handful of computer generated dinosaurs in the whole movie, each shot looks as realistic and amazing now as it did twenty years ago. Stan Winston’s animatronic dinosaurs are just as impressive, which gave the actors as much to react to as the audience, making the acting seem even more genuine and the whole concept that much more believable. Jurassic Park is a modern classic, and I cannot recommend it enough if you haven’t already witnessed this spectacle.


Jurassic Park image from http://www.chud.com/83099/franchise-me-jurassic-park/
Caveman poster from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caveman_(film)

C.C.C. Issue #16: Top Ten Cartoons (Part 3)

C.C.C. Issue #16: Top Ten Other Cartoons From My Childhood


As I promised, because the honourable mention list grew so out of proportion, I had no choice but to make a whole other list of classic cartoons I used to watch. Enjoy, and be sure to check out parts one and two if you haven't already, as well as my most recent Movie vs. Movie article on The Thing!

Criteria: same as first list of Cartoons from my childhood

Honourable mentions: Beavis and Butthead and The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show. These are the only two honourable mentions, I promise. I quite enjoyed the brief revival episodes of Beavis and Butthead on MTV. However, this was still not a staple of my childhood. As for Bugs Bunny and Tweety, I mention it because this is one show I have watched ever since I first watched TV. However, the show is technically just an hour long compilation of Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies shorts. Since I have already addressed Looney Tunes as my number one cartoon that I still watch to this day, I’ve already detailed what The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show essentially is, so there’s no need to explain this one.

10. Rocket Robin Hood

First up are the intergalactic adventures of a classic hero in the same year Futurama takes place (but definitely not the same universe). This Canadian sixties series follows the characters of Robin Hood, only they’re in a futuristic space setting. There’s Little John the giant man, Friar Tuck who just shoves his face with food at every opportunity, and many other original Robin Hood characters re-invented, such as his girlfriend Maid Marian and main villain Prince John. All the crazy adventures they have are classic. Although not as notorious for the stock footage recycling as Spider-Man (check my other cartoon list for more on that), the creators of Rocket Robin Hood must still be blamed for shamelessly going cheap on numerous episodes. However, this didn’t faze me as a kid, and looking back, it almost adds to the charm. This was the kind of cartoon I didn’t want to miss an episode of as a kid.

9. The Tom and Jerry Show

This cartoon has become so classic, the mere mention of the name conjures the image of a brown mouse being chased by a gray cat in your mind. Before the half hour Saturday morning show I was most familiar with, the characters Tom—a hungry and unfortunate cat not unlike Sylvester of Looney Tunes—and Jerry—basically a mouse version of Sylvester’s Tweety Bird—starred in Hanna Barbera  produced theatrical shorts which were first made back in 1940. Since then there have been many memorable side characters that’ve starred alongside the feuding pair, and numerous spinoff shows, including Tom and Jerry Kids, and my favourite, The Tom and Jerry Show from 1975. Like some of the greatest cartoon characters ever, Tom and Jerry rarely speak, and rely on bodily gestures and slapstick comedy. It never gets old, which says something, because the same formula of Tom trying to catch Jerry and failing has been used for decades. There have been attempts to change it up, such as with the first full length feature Tom and Jerry: The Movie, in which they have dialogue, however it just doesn’t work. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, and the classic Tom and Jerry cartoons certainly weren’t broken. Their Academy Award winning shorts from the forties and fifties rank up there with the best cartoons of all time. I have watched Tom and Jerry for many years and still enjoy tuning in to the odd re-run.

8. CatDog

This nickelodeon original wasn’t on all that often when I watched TV, but when it was, I didn’t want to miss a minute. I distinctly remember watching an episode in grade two while eating scrambled eggs with ketchup for dinner (not sure why I remember this, I just do). As random as that sentence was, this show may be even more random. The main character/characters is/are, as the title suggests, CatDog. Half cat, half dog, all hilarious. Cat is the more dominant and intelligible of the two, whereas Dog is more dimwitted but much happier in general. Together they have hilarious adventures, almost always involving the predicament of being conjoined at the waist. Sharing this world are other anthropomorphized animals, and a humanoid thrown in once in awhile for good measure. It’s ridiculous, yes, but also original, witty, and surprisingly mature.

7. The Batman

The Batman may not be the most popular of the Dark Knight cartoons, but it was the one I tuned in to the most. I watched it quite a bit in elementary school, mainly because it was on Teletoon and there was little else on in the afternoons. The character and general content of the cartoon needs no introduction. It ignores some of the plot continuity of the Tim Burton Batman movies, the original comics, and other animated series’, but at times this is a benefit rather than a detriment, because it makes for more interesting viewing. All the classic villains are here, with many of them getting awesome updates. Killer Kroc, Penguin, Mr. Freeze, and everyone’s favourite The Joker all appear here, as well as many others. Some of the voice acting talent is quite impressive. There’s Robert Englund (who played Freddy Kreuger) as Riddler, Ron Perlman (who played Hellboy) as Killer Kroc, and even Adam West (who played Batman in the sixties TV series) as the Mayor Marion Grange. The action is terrific and the tone is great, but stick to the earlier seasons, mainly season one and two. Much like the Tim Burton movie franchise, the quality begins to dip as it goes on.

6. Potatoes and Dragons

Some of the Teletoon original series were indeed original (and a bit strange), and this one is no exception. It follows potatoes—no, not the vegetable, a type of people—who live in medieval castles under the rule of a dimwitted king. The king has an unending hatred for the local dragon, who really isn’t a bad guy. In fact, every time Dragon roasts the king with his fire breath, the king deserves it (and this happens in every episode I have seen). There are fun supporting characters, like the jester who’s in love with the princess, and of course the dragon, which doesn’t speak and lives in a cave near the castle. Every episode sees a new knight show up in Potato Land to try and slay the dragon, in order to take the hand of the princess in marriage. However, the princess, Jester, and others always help Dragon out in making the knights fail, and the king is always left scorched—literally and emotionally. It may sound repetitive, but it’s actually quite entertaining, quick paced, and the various knights are creative. I used to watch this quite often on Teletoon, but have never been able to find it on DVD; however there are some episodes on YouTube.

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (second animated series, 2003-2009)

Teletoon showed regular re-runs of this series. TMNT was always on at four o’clock every week, which was perfectly timed so I could come home from elementary school, turn on my TV, and watch the next exciting episode of the most badass show featuring turtles in cartoon history. I was born in the mid-nineties, so I missed the initial TMNT craze that began in the late eighties. The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was never on regularly when I was a kid, but this second series was, so I made do. But honestly, this was a pretty cool show. I remember turning up the volume when the theme song played; it’s not quite as cheesy as the original series’ theme, but is definitely more rockin’. Shredder is much cooler looking than he was in the original series and is actually formidable. All the turtle’s, on the other hand, act more or less the same as they used to. This second series re-tells their origins, but they have many different adventures than the original, and the scope of the series is huge, taking the turtles everywhere from the sewers of New York, to rural New England, to alternate dimensions. My favourite plot arch is when they fight the Triceratons—a warring alien race from another planet—which only ever made one appearance in the original animated series, but are recurring villains in the comics, as well as in this television incarnation. The action is great, but there are a few alterations that some hardcore fans of the original series might frown at (such as Raphael riding a motorcycle, for example). The animation is smooth, the voices are good, the tone is somewhat darker than the original, but it is still fun and maintains the essence of what TMNT is.

4. Ozzy & Drix

This was a staple of Saturday mornings, and one of the shows I looked forward to the most. A spinoff of the 2001 film Osmosis Jones, Ozzy & Drix provided the same type of bodily humour, while forging a new plotline and further developing the characters. Osmosis Jones followed the life of Frank (played by Bill Murray) and the world within his body—in particular, the partnership of Drixonol cold pill Drix and white blood cell police officer Osmosis Jones, and their mission to fight off the villainous virus Thrax. It was a mix of computer animation and live action, but for the TV show, it was done entirely as a cartoon. Ozzy and Drix get sucked up by a mosquito and are transferred from Frank’s body to the body of a high school boy, Hector. For the rest of the series, the duo work as private investigators to help fight crime within their new home of Hector. The show explores further themes of health which were at the root of the film by using creative, villainous representations, such as smoking, brought about by Nick O’ Teen, head lice spread by Mother Louse, and even trichinella spiralis worms, which takes on the a giant monster form similar to Godzilla. Every episode always felt original, and the overall tone was a little lighter than the movie, which featured cells actually being killed, while the show does not. The animation is bright and fast, there is a talented range of voice acting, and overall it made for some infectious weekend entertainment.

3. Recess

In grade four, there were two TV shows that everyone I knew, including myself, tuned in to after school every day. One of them was The Weekenders, which was on my previous list, but the other was of equal importance to me, and that was Recess. Now regarded as a cult classic, Recess followed the adventures of six fourth grade friends at Third Street Elementary School. There’s TJ, the street smart group leader, Vince the athlete, Mikey, a lovable heavy weight, rough around the edges rebel Spinelli, Gretchen, the smartest girl in the school, and Gus, the dorky nervous boy who has been to thirteen different schools in his life, and is the newest addition to the group. With numerous, memorable fellow school mates (from Cornchip Girl and King Bob to Digger Sam and the four Ashley’s) and an equally entertaining school staff (who could forget Principle Prickly and Ms. Finster), Recess not only offered funny, timeless cartoon antics, but it was the most relatable TV show for me at that time. It seemed everyone I knew at school had gone through the same thing as one of the characters on the show. Though some of the aspects of the goings on at Third Street school were cliché, that helped make it relatable and familiar. Just like The Weekenders, it was a perfect representation of that age group, and made you want to have as much fun as possible during recess in real life.

2. Tales from the Cryptkeeper

Sunday afternoons in elementary school were freaky and fun, thanks to this animated series based on the British anthology HBO original. The original, Tales from the Crypt, was an adult targeted horror show with some comedy infused. This cartoon, Tales from the Cryptkeeper, was on Teletoon for many years and, though a considerably tamer kid’s show, it still has some horror elements. What I loved was the show didn’t always hold back; some episodes were actually very dark. One of the scariest episodes (which, though it doesn’t scare me much now, still gives me chills) features a poacher on the trail of an elusive jungle beast. He gets caught by it, and it’s revealed the monster is a former poacher, who was cursed for trying to hunt so many endangered species. The monster form is passed on to the new poacher, and the former one escapes, thus the curse lives on, and justice is served. All of the episodes feature some form of a cautionary tale like this one, and each one features new characters in new situations. The Crypt Keeper is an entertaining host, even voiced by John Kassir, who voiced the Crypt Keeper in the HBO series as well. Season two introduced additional recurring characters, the Old Witch and the Vault Keeper, who continuously try to take over the hosting duty. Though somewhat more light hearted than season one, it’s still entertaining and the stories still sinister. I recently re-discovered this excellent cartoon, and though it doesn’t have the same exciting scares and laughs it once did, it’s still enjoyable and nostalgic as hell. Seasons one and two are readily available on DVD; as for the third season, you can skip it. After being cancelled for several years, it back brought back under the title New Tales from the Cryptkeeper, and the horror was toned way down.

1. Ned’s Newt

How I failed to place this show on my first list of cartoons from my childhood is beyond me, because from the beginning of grade three to the beginning of grade four, I never missed a single episode of Ned’s Newt. Literally. I watched it every weeknight at six. The theme song, which is super fast paced and lasts just over thirty seconds goes like this: “There once was a boy who wanted a pet, when he got to the store it was all he could get, he brought it home but to his surprise, the newt just laid there, he was barely alive, the pet store owner knew what to do, and he gave the boy a can of ‘Zippo For Newt’...” and so begins the epic, outrageous, and hilarious adventures of Ned and his super-pet newt, Newton. Newton becomes large, anthropomorphic, intelligent, and gains a shape shifting ability (as well as a sense of humour) when fed his special food. Their adventures often begin with mundane tasks, such as trying to get the attention of Ned’s crush, Linda, or even taking out the garbage, but it quickly spirals out of control and they end up doing outlandish things such as building time machines and causing massive destruction. This show accomplishes what so many cartoons fail to do: come up with extremely clever dialogue and references, but make it relevant to younger kids who are more cerebral and want typical cartoon antics, older kids who understand some of the pop culture references and jokes, and even teenage to adult viewers who understand the more sophisticated pokes at pop culture, sarcasm, and innuendos. All this humour is compressed into a half hour, which is divided into two short episodes, so the pace is ridiculously fast, but always easy to keep up with. Unfortunately, none of the seasons have been released on DVD, but it was aired on Teletoon Retro a few years ago.