Top Five Worst
Godzilla Movies
Godzilla may be the
king of the monsters, and has starred in over thirty films, but he has been in
a fair share of subpar sequels and reboots. To coincide with the new film
coming out and the theme of giant monsters all this month, I’m taking a look at
the top five worst films in the long-running Godzilla
series. Though there have been more than five shabby entries, these ones are
the lowest of the low. 
5. Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)
A.K.A. Godzilla on Monster Island
In the seventies, the quality of Godzilla films started heading south. The series was supposed to end with 1968’s Destroy All Monsters, but it continued with some atrocious
sequels instead, and Godzilla vs. Gigan is one
such example. Though it’s a mix of bad and good, it’s mostly bad, for a few main
reasons. One reason which will show up in three of the other movies on this
list is the use of stock footage. Footage of Godzilla, city destruction, and other
monsters is recycled from earlier films and utilized in order to cut production
costs. Because the studio Toho held the rights to all Godzilla films, they could do this as they pleased. It’s a cheap
tactic, especially if you’ve seen the movies the stock footage is borrowed
from. If you haven’t seen the earlier films, it’s not as big of a deal, but if
you recognize stock footage use, it leaves you feeling cheated and frustrated.
Footage of Godzilla’s arch nemesis King Ghidorah is used from Destroy All Monsters, and they didn’t
even bother to try and match up the lighting! In one shot, Ghidorah will be
flying through a dark night sky. In the next shot, the sky is blue. Another negative is how worn out the Godzilla suit is. You can
actually see pieces of rubber falling off. One of the only good aspects of
this film is the pair of villains. Gigan is an unusual and interesting monster, and actually
one of the most memorable from this era of Godzilla films. His scenes aren’t that
limited, which is nice, and he actually does cause some decent city
destruction, but his skirmishes with Godzilla are disappointing. As I said,
it’s an imperfect balance. There’s a creative new villain, plus a fan favourite, but poor quality giant
monster set pieces, a cheesy yet entertaining story line, annoying characters,
and annoying stock footage use.
4. Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)
A.K.A. Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster
Godzilla was originally meant to act as a metaphor for
nuclear destruction, but this notion slipped away once Big G went from villain
to hero and started protecting earth from other threats, usually from space.
Before Godzilla took on Gigan, he tried to reduce his carbon footprint by
fighting Hedorah, a sludge monster that literally embodies pollution. Hedorah
is an interesting villain with multiple forms, but is that enough to save this
movie from being a pile of garbage? Not really. Near the beginning of the movie, we have to watch a
little kid take his Godzilla toy to the top of a slide, let it slide
down, go back down, pick it up, and repeat the process, and it never
cuts away. Seriously.
Godzilla vs. Hedorah is bogged down by extremely strange moments, which make the movie as a whole confusing and disappointing in terms of delivering giant monster mayhem. One particularly weird scene has one of the characters hallucinating that everyone in a night club has fish heads instead of human heads. Was the character on drugs? It’s never explained, but clearly the filmmakers were on something when they made this movie. It has sequences of animation, way too much singing, and not enough giant monster beat downs. Godzilla does rough up Hedorah a bit, and when he eventually kills him, he rips out two white orbs from his toxic mass. I’m not sure if these orbs are his eyes, or pearls, or his testicles, or what the hell they are, but Godzilla doesn’t care. He blasts them with his radioactive breath and that’s the end of them. Unlike Gigan, Hedorah isn’t one of the better villains of the Showa era, making Godzilla vs. Hedorah one notch lower on the lame scale than Godzilla vs. Gigan. Or one notch higher, depending on how your lame scale works.
Godzilla vs. Hedorah is bogged down by extremely strange moments, which make the movie as a whole confusing and disappointing in terms of delivering giant monster mayhem. One particularly weird scene has one of the characters hallucinating that everyone in a night club has fish heads instead of human heads. Was the character on drugs? It’s never explained, but clearly the filmmakers were on something when they made this movie. It has sequences of animation, way too much singing, and not enough giant monster beat downs. Godzilla does rough up Hedorah a bit, and when he eventually kills him, he rips out two white orbs from his toxic mass. I’m not sure if these orbs are his eyes, or pearls, or his testicles, or what the hell they are, but Godzilla doesn’t care. He blasts them with his radioactive breath and that’s the end of them. Unlike Gigan, Hedorah isn’t one of the better villains of the Showa era, making Godzilla vs. Hedorah one notch lower on the lame scale than Godzilla vs. Gigan. Or one notch higher, depending on how your lame scale works.
3. Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973)
For some Godzilla
fans, this entry is considered so-bad-it’s-good. It’s bad for sure, but with
the exception of one memorable scene, I would say it’s more in the category of
so-bad-it’s-just-bad. The one scene I refer to is the final battle which involves
Godzilla and Jet Jaguar (a size changing robot) against giant sea bug Megalon
and returning space villain Gigan. While Jet Jaguar holds Megalon in place,
Godzilla backs up and does a flying kick to his stomach. It’s such an amazing
moment that it’s shown a second time. Now, with that so bad it’s good moment
out of the way, let me get into why this movie just plain sucks.
Godzilla isn’t even the star; he’s more of a side kick to Jet Jaguar. Jet Jaguar was designed by a kid in grade school, because Toho had a make your own monster contest and the winner would be featured in the next Godzilla adventure. J.J. just rips-off another Japanese hero, Ultraman, and looks ridiculous. Gigan makes a welcome return, but doesn't really do anything interesting, and Megalon is a preposterous new villain who looked more like a man in a suit than any other villain that had come before him. He spits fire bombs, and the only scene he’s in that isn’t totally terrible is when he destroys a dam, which only lasts a few minutes. And speaking of destruction, when the monsters finally get together for the final battle, it takes place in a field. What would be more exciting, a four way monster melee in a city, with bridges and skyscrapers and cars and fleeing humans to stomp while they beat the crap out of each other, or a grassy hill with a couple trees and lots of dust? The budget restrictions this production was under are very obvious; between the lack of exciting action and use of stock footage, it’s crystal clear how the movie was completed in just a few weeks of filming. A crappy Godzilla flick indeed, this one should have been called Jet Jaguar vs. Megalon with Godzilla backing J.J. up and Gigan showing up to help Megalon—at least then it would be no mystery as to how bad it was.
Godzilla isn’t even the star; he’s more of a side kick to Jet Jaguar. Jet Jaguar was designed by a kid in grade school, because Toho had a make your own monster contest and the winner would be featured in the next Godzilla adventure. J.J. just rips-off another Japanese hero, Ultraman, and looks ridiculous. Gigan makes a welcome return, but doesn't really do anything interesting, and Megalon is a preposterous new villain who looked more like a man in a suit than any other villain that had come before him. He spits fire bombs, and the only scene he’s in that isn’t totally terrible is when he destroys a dam, which only lasts a few minutes. And speaking of destruction, when the monsters finally get together for the final battle, it takes place in a field. What would be more exciting, a four way monster melee in a city, with bridges and skyscrapers and cars and fleeing humans to stomp while they beat the crap out of each other, or a grassy hill with a couple trees and lots of dust? The budget restrictions this production was under are very obvious; between the lack of exciting action and use of stock footage, it’s crystal clear how the movie was completed in just a few weeks of filming. A crappy Godzilla flick indeed, this one should have been called Jet Jaguar vs. Megalon with Godzilla backing J.J. up and Gigan showing up to help Megalon—at least then it would be no mystery as to how bad it was.
2. Godzilla (1998)
To be fair, Tri-Star's Godzilla is not completely garbage. There are a few things it got right in adapting the Japanese monster for American audiences, which I will
list before getting into the negative aspects. Godzilla is still created by
nuclear weapons like he was in the original. Godzilla’s roar, though altered,
is recognizable. One of the characters addresses that the original name is
pronounced “Gojira” rather than “Godzilla”. Aside from these minor things, the
movie is, by majority, a pile of dino droppings. Godzilla’s design (and personality, or lack thereof) is so different
from what he looked like in the past that they could have titled this movie something
other than Godzilla and people would
have thought, “huh, that sure reminded me of Godzilla,” but they might not have even questioned whether it was
supposed to actually be a Godzilla
movie or not. This brings me to the biggest issue with this movie in general:
it just didn’t feel like a Godzilla
movie.
It’s as if the filmmakers behind it had never even seen any of the Godzilla movies before, and at the point of its release, Toho had already made 22 of them! Does this Zilla blow radioactive fire? Does he angrily destroy cities? Does he fight other giant monsters? Does he always kick the military’s ass? Nope. It’s like the name Godzilla was slapped on just for the marketability. Even all these years later, it's still one of the biggest stains on the Godzilla franchise, if you can even include it in the Godzilla library (many fans don’t even acknowledge it at all). And yet, as bad as it is, there is still one other Godzilla movie even worse than this...
It’s as if the filmmakers behind it had never even seen any of the Godzilla movies before, and at the point of its release, Toho had already made 22 of them! Does this Zilla blow radioactive fire? Does he angrily destroy cities? Does he fight other giant monsters? Does he always kick the military’s ass? Nope. It’s like the name Godzilla was slapped on just for the marketability. Even all these years later, it's still one of the biggest stains on the Godzilla franchise, if you can even include it in the Godzilla library (many fans don’t even acknowledge it at all). And yet, as bad as it is, there is still one other Godzilla movie even worse than this...
1. All Monsters Attack (1969) A.K.A. Godzilla’s Revenge
The story follows a little kid who keeps getting bullied and has a generally crappy life, so he enters a dream world for fun where he hangs out with Minilla (Godzilla’s son) on Monster Island. Minilla looks and acts like a cartoon character, and has this super goofy voice that makes him sound like, to quote Rocket Raccoon, he don't know talking good like me and you, so his vocabulistics is limited. On the island, they watch Godzilla fight three enemies. All the sequences are lifted from earlier films and used here in their entirety. Of all the uses of stock footage, this is the most shameful. There is one new monster introduced called Gabara, who fights Minilla. Gabara is a stupid monster with a stupid looking face, and is about as intimidating as a wet sock.
What’s even more shocking than Gabara and his lame electrical attack is how terrible this movie is as a whole. While the Tri-Star Godzilla was a disappointment, it still offered some entertainment despite all the flaws. Are there monster battles in the 1998 Godzilla? No, but at least he fights the army. Are there monster battles in All Monsters Attack? Yes, but almost all are stock footage, and the only new fights are complete jokes, and the army doesn’t show up at all. All Monsters Attack is practically unwatchable, with so little entertainment value that it makes 1998’s Godzilla look as good as Godzilla: Final Wars. Ok, maybe that’s a stretch, but the point stands. All Monsters Attack is of such low quality, it hits absolute rock bottom, and is undeniably the worst Godzilla movie of all.
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