Critters 3 (1991) Review

Critters 3 (1991) Review

 

Critters 3, subtitled You Are What They Eat, was not set up with a cliff hanger at the end of Critters 2, but I wouldn't say its existence felt unnecessary. Some kids playing Frisbee get the jump scare of their lives when bounty hunter Charlie explodes out of some bushes. He tells them about the events of the first two movies, and we get an extensive recap with stock footage from Critters and Critters 2. It's bizarre: the footage from each movie is mixed together out of order and it’s edited like a movie trailer. I guess they had to pad the runtime, which is really sad since it runs the same length as the previous movie (85 minutes).

The poster gives the same kind of false hope that Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan gives. You think the Crites are going to terrorize a city, but nearly the entire movie takes place in one setting—in this case, a dumpy apartment building—and that’s it. Early on we get a POV shot from a Crite sneaking up on someone, and it sounds like an old man with breathing problems. The teasing of the Crites goes on too long. We know what they look like and we know what they can do, just give it to us already! Finally, one of them attacks someone, but the guy’s death isn't very scary or unique.

It's a roll of the dice with sequels like this. They throw in lots of new characters, but will we get any that are tolerable? This time, it's a no. They vary from boring to obnoxious, but none of them are enjoyable to watch, not even the ones you're supposed to sympathize with. The bounty hunters from the first two movies are sorely missing, but then again, so are fun, clever scenes with the Crites. So, basically, this movie is missing most of what you would want to see. The Crites still look good, but they don't have enough fun scenes or moments. We do see them more toward the end, and when Charlie finally shows up to blow them all away it seems like there might be a chance for a fun finale. But...it isn't. It's just uninteresting.

One great moment early on is when a Crite charges up its spin (just like Sonic the Hedgehog) and goes up the laundry chute to eat a plump woman, but she closes the door before it gets to her. She gets attacked later in the laundry room and her acting is actually so bad it takes me out of the scene. I don't even believe she’s being chewed on by toothy alien fuzz balls. The daughter character saves her, and something happens that is so bad and dumb it is funny, but not in the purely comical way it’s clearly intended: she wipes the Crites out by rolling a trash can down the stairs, and it’s intercut with footage of a bowling tournament that was on the TV earlier.

Critters 3 is barely watchable. The few fun creature scenes are worth seeing, but the boring characters are hard to sit with. There are only two other notable things about this third movie. One, it stars Leonardo DiCaprio in his film debut, and he’s pretty annoying. The other thing is the end credits. Maybe Critters 3 was ahead of its time, because the ending is like a precursor to the age of post-credit teaser scenes.

The credits play in congruence with a scene of Charlie finding Crite eggs in the laundry room and speaking to the other bounty hunter on a holographic communicator, who tells him he isn’t allowed to make the Crites extinct by killing these last ones, and then a space ship comes and it says "to be continued". It freeze frames periodically to show the credits in sections, then plays a bit more footage, and continues like this until the end. What a weird way to make you watch the end credits. Why not just show the whole scene as the actual ending or just save it all for the very end? Anyway, a fourth Critters was inevitable, and they shot it at the same time as the third, but after this one, I was leery to see what else was in store for the franchise.