Monday, February 17, 2014

C.C.C. Issue #12: Top Ten Best Worst Movies

C.C.C. Issue #12: Top Ten Best Worst Movies


Have you ever seen a movie so unfathomably terrible, that you couldn't forget about it, and realized, it was entertaining because it was so bad? These ten movies are sure to fit into the special category of "so bad, it's good".




Top Ten Best Worst Movies

Criteria: must be enjoyable despite being admittedly terrible, level of terribleness goes up along with level of hilarity/entertainment as list gets closer to #1. 

[Dis]Honourable Mention: The Wicker Man (2006). This horror remake nearly made it onto this list, but Nicholas Cage in a bear suit, and shouting "Not the bees!" as bees are poured into a helmet on his head is just too much for me. It's definitely so bad it's good, but I cannot put enough emphasis on the fact that IT IS SO BAD. It's definitely the worst horror remake ever, but not quite a fun enough movie to qualify for this list.


10. Judge Dredd
 
Judge Dredd is a comic book superhero from a dystopian future plagued by crime, but protected by law enforcers called Judges. These Judges act as judge, jury, and executioner, taking out the baddies by shooting first and asking questions later. In 2012, we got Dredd, starring Karl Urban as the title character. It was an action packed adaptation of the comic that catered to the target audience very well. But first, we got Judge Dredd in 1995, starring Sylvester Stallone. To sum up, it was a disappointment critically, commercially, and to fans. However, Judge Dredd is so laughably bad, that it becomes very entertaining. Stallone takes the character way too seriously, as does everyone in the entire film. One of the biggest mistakes made is Dredd constantly removes his helmet. In the comic, this never happens, and luckily 2012’s Dredd got that part right. One scene that always makes me laugh is when Stallone looks up at a building and shouts, “I am, the law!” It is one of the most preposterous things I have ever seen or heard. If you want some serious silliness, you have to check out Judge Dredd

9. Planet of Dinosaurs

This seventies sci-fi flick is irrefutably bad. A group of astronauts crash land on a planet very similar to earth, the only problem being its millions of evolutionary years behind, so deadly dinos walk the land. Director James Shea wanted almost the entire budget put toward the dinosaur effects, which resulted in some of the inexperienced cast members not even getting paid. Most didn’t deserve to be paid anyway; no actor or actress gives a performance anywhere close to good in this film. It’s evident the dino effects were top priority, and that’s the film’s saving grace. The plot is semi-original and interesting but ultimately ridiculous, the cast sucks, the props are awful, and the music is a joke. But the dinosaur effects, which are all rendered with stop motion clay animation, are fantastic for its time. They rival Ray Harryhausen’s, a man whose stop motion work stands out as being the greatest of all time. I, being a true fan of this now outdated method, love this movie simply for the great dinosaurs which make for a very fun time. 

8. The Giant Claw

You can find this flick in the DVD box set Icons of Horror Collection - Sam Katzman. One of the most entertaining giant monster movies ever (and surely the funniest), The Giant Claw is about a seventeen million year old giant bird that attacks the world. The scary thing is the plot isn’t the most ridiculous part. It isn’t even the creature’s attack pattern, which the main characters deduce is a spiral. It isn’t even how the characters figure this out, which they do by playing connect the dots with locations the monster has already attacked on a map (they don’t literally play connect the dots, but they may as well have because their deductions are completely idiotic). The scariest part of the whole movie is the monster itself. The giant claw is compared throughout the entire movie to a battleship—you know, one of those great warships with heavy duty guns that cruises the sea? I don’t know what the characters in this movie think I battleship looks like, but I can assure you the monster DOES NOT look anything like one. In reality, the monster was a marionette puppet with feathers glued on and a very weird, forward curving face. It has googly eyes and a tuft of hair on the top of its head. Apparently the actor who played the main character had no idea what the monster looked like until the premiere, and left the theater embarrassed because the audience laughed every time the monster came on screen. I wouldn’t have been embarrassed; in the entire history of giant monster movies, no other has matched The Giant Claw’s unique and pure entertainment value. Definitely terrible but definitely good at the same time, this film is a riot. 

7. Sharktopus

I wrote a review for Sharktopus on Amazon a few years ago and the title was: “It’s exactly what it looks like.” Honestly, there is no better way to sum it up than that. Basically a low budget, straight forward film designed to air late nights on the SyFy channel about some scientists that make a shark/octopus hybrid which runs amok in Mexico. The story of how I got this movie depresses me each time I think about it, but I will re-live the pain to share it with you. I was in Wal-Mart with my best friend and we saw it on the shelf. He said, “You’ve got to get this!”, and I laughed and said no, then he said “You know you’re going to buy this before we leave.” So at the last second before the checkout I go back, look it over once more, and add it to my purchases. I sighed as it went through the checkout and my friend laughed behind me in line. The cashier asked if I wanted it in blu ray, to which I face palmed. Anyway, the movie speaks for itself in terms of utter ridiculousness and outrageousness. The reason it doesn’t rank higher is this film was never intended to be good on purpose, it was supposed to be bad. What separates it from SyFy’s slew of intentionally low budget, campy, poorly acted, poorly thought out sci-fi films is this one is especially preposterous. Watching it with a group of friends is worth some good laughs at least once, but like most of the other films on this list, I don’t recommend watching it solo in case you start thinking while watching.

6. Killer Klowns From Outer Space

You pick the DVD up, look at the two demented clowns on the cover, read the title, and ask yourself: What is this? This is a one-of-a-kind film with perhaps the most absurd plot ever, featuring the giant shoe wearing, tiny car driving, balloon animal experts that scare the hell out of children more than they make them laugh: clowns. Basically, alien klowns (that’s how it’s spelt in the titles) land in a small town in their space craft disguised as a circus tent, and hatch a plot to turn humans into cotton candy. Still with me? There’s more. They have an array of ‘klown technology’, such as popcorn guns and a living balloon dog that can track humans. The only way to kill these klowns, as everyone in the small town eventually realizes, is to pop their big red noses. I won’t completely spoil the surprise at the end of the film, but it puts to rest the question of what the offspring of a clown and Godzilla would look like.  Intentionally campy, Killer Klowns accomplishes what it sets out to be. It is hilarious for what it’s worth, and to watch this with someone who has Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) is even more fun.  

5. Birdemic: Shock and Terror
 
This independent and inexplicable film is supposedly inspired by Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, one of the master of suspense’s best films. Apparently it didn’t inspire much more than birds attacking. I’m not exaggerating when I say the birds featured in this film literally look like cartoon cut outs as they flap around on the screen, squawking. I’m sure when the filmmakers saw the first cut of their movie the first two words that came to mind were shock and terror. When I watched this, I was left completely baffled. There were multiple moments that nearly brought me to tears with laughter. The most contrived love story ever, the most nonsensical opening scene ever, and many other worst ever aspects. The reason Birdemic doesn’t rank higher on this list is it’s literally so bad, that my opinion on it changes from time to time. I’ll watch it and think it’s the absolute epitome of terrible and should be thrown to the birds (couldn’t resist that pun), but then I’ll watch it again and laugh so hard at how screwed up the whole thing is that I put it back into the category of so bad it’s good. I’m making it sound like I’ve seen it many times, but it’s only been a few. I think it’s safe to say Birdemic is a unique gem among the best worst movies. Honestly, I don’t know what else I can say about it. Just go and see for yourself, if you dare.

4. Leprechaun

Intended as a comedy horror film, Leprechaun actually does have its scary qualities. Children could easily be terrified by the mischievous and violent creature, but adults will just laugh at this ridiculous movie. It follows a Leprechaun who is obsessed with his gold coins. In the opening scene, he is shown counting his coins, and discovering that one has gone missing. Leppy tracks the coin down somehow and finds an old man stole it, and in his attempt to try and retrieve it, gets trapped in a box for years when the old man places a four leaf clover on the box. Fast forward to Jennifer Anniston’s character showing up and helping her dad fix up the now rundown house. That’s right, before her Friends fame, Jennifer Anniston was in this low budget horror flick. Soon the Leprechaun is out and about causing all sorts of mischief, much of it intentionally hilarious. There’s a death by pogo stick, hijacking of a play car designed for toddlers, and imitation of cat noises. I don’t want to ruin all the best moments, but I have to mention the ultimate laugh out loud sequence. Leppy runs into a barn and there are bright lights, sawing noises, and much unseen commotion. Everyone stands there waiting to see what he comes out with. You could never have guessed he would drive out on a go-kart with a pitch fork attached to the front. How did he build that in like ten seconds? No one will ever know. Five sequels were made, and though they grew more and more outrageous as the series progressed, you really need to look no further than the original. It’s campy, silly, and downright hilarious. 

3. Troll 2

Probably the most well known of best worst movies, Troll 2 is a cult phenomenon. One of the actors in the film even went on to make his own documentary about his experience working on Troll 2 and the legacy it left, titled Best Worst Movie. It’s worth checking out if you are at all interested in this movie. Basically, a family goes to the town of Nilbog (read that backwards) and things go awry, as they discover a psychotic lady who wants to turn everyone into plants, crazy town locals, and a pack of vicious, spear toting goblins. Oh, what about the trolls you ask? Yeah, there aren’t any. They’re called goblins. I’m not sure why this is called Troll 2, especially since it has nothing to do with the first Troll. One of the reasons this movie was doomed from the start was the director. Being from Italy, he couldn’t speak English worth a damn, so the script was largely incomprehensible. The budget was evidently small, another contributing factor to this movie’s all-around failure. Loaded with unfathomably weird scenes, special-needs special-effects, and tour de force bad acting (this is where the famous clip on YouTube of that guy with glasses screaming “OH MY GOOOOOOD!” comes from), this movie has gotten more recognition than it probably deserves. 

2. Zaat

Coming in at a close second is Zaat, quite literally the ultimate “Z” movie. This is one of those movies that I’ve tried to explain to someone, but I can’t really articulate into a simple, easy to understand summary. So there’s this scientist, and he wants to make a human/fish hybrid, but everyone thinks he’s crazy, so he does it anyway and it’s a success, only he becomes this amphibious creature thing, but he still has a human mind, so he attacks people for some reason, but then he decides he needs a wife, oh and I forgot to mention he has an agenda on an elaborate poster board, and so anyway he captures a woman and tries to turn her into a creature but fails, and the sheriff...see what I mean? What it boils down to is Zaat takes bad to the next level. The costume for the Zaat creature is outrageously bad. The acting is virtually nonexistent. The plot is nearly impossible to follow. Nothing makes sense. Everything is bad. But this movie is great. It’s so over the top and so terrible that it’s hilarious. What makes it distinct is you have to see it to believe it; there are numerous absurd scenes and shockingly incompetent moments. Look for it on DVD and blu ray, also possibly under these alternate titles: The Blood Waters of Dr. Z, Hydra, Attack of the Swamp Creatures, and Legend of the Zaat Monster.

1. The Room

“Oh hai Mark.”
Tommy Wiseau’s The Room wins best worst movie hands down. Perhaps you’ve heard of it, or perhaps you haven’t, which is quite possible since this was an independent feature and cited as 2003’s worst film of the year—often considered one of the worst films of all time. Honestly, that’s not a fair title to give it. The Room was originally intended to be a romantic drama, but I guess at some point in the production they realized how unintentionally comical every scene was, so re-classified it as a black comedy. A black comedy this is not, it is straight up comedic from beginning to end. Supremely bad acting, totally random dialogue, notorious use of ‘green screen’ for the rooftop shots, unsolved plot contrivances, and the list goes on. It’s undeniably bad, but it’s also unforgettable. What I’ve learned from these movies that are so bad they’re good, is that you can’t set out to make a movie as bad as what it eventually becomes. Films intended to be purposefully stupid or corny before they are put into production are, as far as I’m concerned, doomed from the start (I’m looking at you, Sharknado). Films that were supposed to be good and turned out bad often turn into gems. The Room is incomparably bad, but also quotable, amusing, and baffling all at once. Believe it or not, there are actually legions of fans of this movie, who gather to see screenings of it across North America. It seems I meet a new fan of this movie regularly, and that it’s not as much of a cryptic film as it once was. This is largely thanks to The Nostalgia Critic’s comparably hilarious review of the film (although unlike The Room, his review is supposed to be that funny, I recommend watching it). Check out The Room, it will be unlike anything you’ve seen before.

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