Jack Frost (1997) Review

CLAYTON'S CREEPY CINEMA!

WEEK 4: CREATIVE KILLERS

Jack Frost (1997)

Many people have favourite films to watch at Christmas. Maybe you turn on Gremlins or sit down to How the Grinch Stole Christmas with the family, or maybe, you watch Jack Frost—no, not the family-comedy featuring Michael Keaton from 1998, the horror-comedy from a year earlier starring, to quote him directly, “...the world’s most pissed off snow cone!” In terms of being so bad it’s good, Jack Frost takes the Christmas cake.

Right from the opening credits, this movie is instantly hilarious and warped. There’s a voice over of a weird uncle telling some whiny kid the tale of Jack Frost, emphasizing the gruesome details and scaring the shit of out the kid. The film introduces us to Jack Frost, a murderer on his way to be executed. The truck transporting him gets caught in a snow storm and crashes into another truck carrying genetic-altering chemicals. The chemicals melt Jack into a puddle in the snow and mutate him into a killer snowman. There’s a guy watching this happen, and his expression is as confused as mine was. Meanwhile, in the fictional town called Snowmonton—the worst fake town name I’ve ever heard—a sheriff is trying to get over death threats Jack Frost made to him for getting him arrested. An old man is killed, so the sheriff investigates, and two guys who claim the F.B.I sent them assist with the case. The sheriff’s son gets bullied by some kids, but Jack Frost knocks him down and he gets decapitated by a sled, to which the kid says, “I didn’t do it.” Of course no one believes him that a snowman did it, but as the body count rises, they realize Jack Frost has indeed returned to kill the sheriff and his family.

This is the most twisted Christmas movie I have ever come across. There are so many things wrong with this movie, to cover them all would be much too extensive, so I’ll narrow it down to the three most ridiculous points. 1: Jack Frost looks like he’s made of foam, not snow, and occasionally resembles vanilla ice cream. 2: when Jack Frost mysteriously shows up in the sheriff’s yard, his son goes to put a face on him, and uses a snowman puppet for reference. If he needs a reference for how to make a snowman’s face, then I seriously question this kid’s intelligence. 3: Frost can turn into a puddle to move, so at one point someone shoots his puddle form, then is surprised when it does nothing. Why he expected it would do anything baffles me. Nearly every piece of dialogue is a one liner, including, “Christmas came a little early!” and “It ain’t fuckin’ Frosty!” Jack Frost isn’t scary at all, but he is an entertaining villain and makes some creative kills (I won’t spoil the bathroom scene, but it is beyond hilarious). There’s death by tree decorations, death by icicles, and one guy gets an axe handle shoved through his head (to which Frost says, “I only axed you for a smoke!”) Not even the music is scary, but that isn’t to say it’s lame; there’s a badass heavy metal version of the Nutcracker theme. In the end Frost is killed by a truckload of antifreeze. I expected no less.

If Zaat is The Room of sci-fi, then Jack Frost is the Zaat of Christmas films. You’ll be busting a gut laughing at every scene, constantly wondering what the hell they were thinking making this master-disaster piece. If Hollywood plans on doing a big budget remake of a cult horror film in the near future, I hope they pick Jack Frost.