CLAYTON'S CREEPY CINEMA!
WEEK 4: CREATIVE KILLERS
Teeth (2007)
So far over the past month, I have looked at a lot of
different horror movies—some of them truly terrifying, others more hilarious
because of how badly made they are. Nothing can prepare you for the movie I am
about to review. This may be the most bizarre film so far. How so? That
question can be answered by summarizing the gist of this movie in one sentence.
It’s about a teenage girl with a set of teeth in her vagina. Still with
me? I shall continue.
Dawn is a goody-too-shoes high school student who promotes
abstinence with a Christian abstinence group called The Promise. Dawn feels
good about her life and has no worries, but trouble will arrive in the form
of...a boy. She meets a guy at her school and they are instantly attracted to
each other. Later they go to a local swimming hole to spend some time alone together,
but when Dawn won’t put out, the guy tries to rape her. She gets knocked out so
he starts doing the old in and out, but that turns out to be the worst idea
ever. Dawn’s nether region gnashers sheer his penis off and spit it out on the
ground. The guy dies of shock and blood loss, and Dawn sees what she has done,
so runs away in fright. She starts researching Vagina dentata, and discovers
it’s an actual thing. She goes to a gynecologist, and he assaults
her—honestly, she is having just the worst luck. The devious doctor gets his
fingers bitten off; another Vagina dentata victim. Dawn goes to see another guy
she goes to school with for help. They end up having sex, but it goes well this
time, until she finds out the guy made a bet with his friend that he could
score with her. After learning this, she vagina-bites his dick off and goes
back home. She finds out her mother has died, and her step brother refuses to
leave their house, so using her powers of seduction and genital slicing, bites
off his dick and feeds it to his dog (!). By the end, Dawn has fully embraced
her newfound ability, and probably goes on to be a serial killer after the film
concludes.
I’m not really sure what to say about this movie. In terms
of concept, it’s purely original. I’m sure it made at least a few guys hoping
to get some action a little more hesitant after watching. Given some of the
scenes I described, you might expect this to be a pretty gory and explicit
film, but it isn’t. There’s minimal nudity, but the severed penises are pretty
disgusting and shown in full. Believe it or not, the acting is quite good, and
the whole concept, though absolutely ridiculous, is made easy to buy into. I
can’t believe I’m saying this, but Teeth,
for what it is, is actually well done. It doesn’t take the concept too seriously, and
has some fun with the absurdity. I can’t really recommend it, but I’m not
warning you to avoid it either. Watch Teeth
at your own risk. 
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