Boa vs. Python (2004) Review

WEEK 2: SLITHERING SERPENTS

Boa vs. Python (2004) Review

Back in the early 2000’s, the fad Hollywood was trying to revive was “versus” movies; crossing over two franchises to have the leads battle each other, for maximum profits. There were some honest attempts, like 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason and 2004’s Alien vs. Predator. Even though AVP wasn’t well received, everyone knew it was going to make money regardless, and that is why we got another versus movie the same year that crossed over two other somewhat successful franchises: Boa vs. Python.

A rich casino owner has run out of ways to waste his money, so he concocts a scheme to bring big-game hunting to his rich friends in the city, and their quarry is a giant python, which of course gets loose and starts killing people. The rich dude, his slutty girlfriend, and some other associates pursue the python as per his hunting plan, but the FBI has another, much better idea. An agent recruits a snake expert with a genetically-engineered boa, and a dolphin trainer with sophisticated camera gear, which they mount to the boa’s head before setting it loose on the python, the theory being the two snakes are mortal enemies and the boa will (hopefully) kill the python.

What can I say about Boa vs. Python? Given the DVD cover, you would expect this to be some Godzilla-level battle with two big reptiles destroying a city, but like oh-so-many direct-to-video releases, the cover is extremely misleading. At no point do the snakes fight in a city. In fact, the Title Bout we came to see doesn’t happen until the very end, and it’s a brief fight in a subway (train station, not sandwich shop) that’s far from awe-inspiring. So you may be wondering, if the “versus” part doesn’t happen until the end, what else happens in the beginning and middle? Well, some stuff does go down, but it’s some seriously cheap and schlocky stuff.

In the first ten minutes, the casino owner’s girlfriend takes a bath aboard his private jet. There’s full nudity and gratuitous slow-mo sudsy action—real high quality filmmaking, indeed—until she finds one of his pet snakes in the tub with her and she freaks out. It’s this sort of teenage boy-targeted material that gives killer animal films a bad rap. Not every movie with a killer animal is this low-brow, although I’ve noticed some similarities with these low-budget snake movies.

The most memorable and biggest WTF scene from Boa vs. Python occurs when a couple is fooling around in the back seat of a car, and the python shows up and devours the guy. The girl doesn’t notice. The python sticks its head in the car and flicks its tongue into her nether regions. At first she thinks it’s the guy going down on her, and she really likes it, but then she sees it’s the python, screams, and gets devoured. It’s one of the all-time weirdest scenes in a killer animal movie. Whoever wrote that scene is one sick puppy.

As far as other “action” is concerned, there’s not much that stands out. I said in my Python review that Boa vs. Python offered a lot more than Python 2 (and more than the stand-alone Boa film, for that matter) but that’s because Python 2 is so boring and devoid of anything memorable, it makes Boa vs. Python look good, which is quite a feat. The two snakes look nearly identical to each other (minus the colour difference) and the special effects for them are bad as usual, but look less bad than the snakes in Python 2 and Boa, and might even look marginally better than the first Python, though I wouldn’t go as far as to say they’re an improvement. But who cares? With these movies, the visual effects are not of the highest importance.

The reason Python is fun is thanks to the fun action scenes, even in spite of the low budget effects, and the characters are not-god-awful actors/characters. Boa vs. Python has a few okay action scenes, but they aren’t extreme or unique enough, and the acting is substandard. The scenes range from totally ridiculous, with the snake going down on the girl, to an attempt at the dramatic, with the main characters submerged underwater and fighting for oxygen, and the implication that they might die and we should care about them. No one cares; I just want to see two big snakes fight each other!

 

Boa vs. Python is not nearly as great as the DVD cover and title might make it sound. It cares little about continuity with the previous movies, and as a result, connects in few ways to Boa or either of the Python movies (like it mattered anyway). It’s the sort of movie you might have seen at the video store back in the day and been curious about, but maybe not curious enough to want to spend five bucks and check out. I recommend you stick with the first Python, and if you enjoyed it, consider following it up with this one. As bad as it sounds, it’s still a shameless bit of entertainment. Remember, this is before the influx of completely worthless SyFy channel garbage, so everything from the visuals to the acting to the dialogue is one step above that level, but it’s a very small step.