Python (2000) Review

WEEK 2: SLITHERING SERPENTS

Python (2000) Review

Usually when I hear the words “made-for-TV-movie” in association with a killer animal film, I avoid it, because images of Sharknado and Avalanche Sharks and King of the Lost World pop into my head, and these images make me sad. However, once in awhile, the right mix of elements come together, and something made for television turns out to be pretty watchable and entertaining. Case in point: Python.

A giant, genetically-engineered python gets loose on a cargo plane and causes it to crash near a small town. That same night, a couple is camping out near a local watering hole, where they are attacked and devoured by the giant snake. Not even ten minutes in, and the movie already has two lesbians making out and the snake tallying up four kills. After this slam-bang opening, we get introduced to the main characters, which are all pretty standard fare, but the actors really stand out. Wil Wheaton (Star Trek: The Next Generation) is the main character’s best friend, Billy Zabka (the original The Karate Kid) is the town deputy, and Robert Englund (the original Nightmare on Elm Street) is a snake scientist. Freddy Kruger himself is a scientist in this movie! Jenny McCarthy also stars as a horny client of a sleazy real-estate agent, both of whom are soon part of the snake’s kill streak. The python makes its way across town, killing at random, so an NSA team comes to try and stop it. The scientist warns them that the snake is a hybrid of several snakes, is extremely powerful, and has a taste for human flesh (of course). Soon Billy Zabka and company are fighting for their lives, trying to escape the deadly beast.

Python is as ridiculous as you’d expect, but I have to admit, I find this movie really entertaining. I saw it for the first time at a pretty young age, not knowing it was a made-for-TV feature, and I was hesitant to re-watch it so many years later, fearing it might have lost its charm. I don’t know if “holds up” is the right phrase, but it’s no less entertaining. Like the snake itself, it moves at a fast pace, and has no shortage of action. The movie doesn’t take itself too seriously, and there’s actually some clever humour laced throughout. My favourite moment is when Wil Wheaton’s girlfriend gets attacked by the python in the shower, and she has to defend herself. The python just looms in front of her as she screams, then she grabs some shampoo and sprays it at the snake’s eyes. It does nothing, so she reads the bottle, which says “no tears!” so then she throws her rubber ducky at him instead. It’s really silly, but really fun.

The visual effects are bad, but believe it or not, they’re not the worst I’ve seen for this type of film. There are times when the python looks uncannily like something out of a Playstation One video game, and there are other times when it looks about as good as a giant snake could look in a TV movie. One of the python's main attacks is the ability to spray acid, sort of like a spitting cobra. It’s as if the NSA team wasn’t even told what they were going after, because they seem completely unequipped to handle the python. There’s a scene where the team tries to bomb the snake, and this is where the ultra-low-budget really starts to show. The team has about a dozen members, a couple vehicles, a couple guns, and not much else—basically, it looks like only a quarter of the team that they needed to handle the threat managed to show up. The plot is straight forward and familiar, but to be fair, while many other giant reptile films would use extremely similar plots in the near future, Python was among the first giant, genetically-engineered killer reptile films to come out, so it gets 0.5 additional points for being semi-original.

Python is simply a fun B-movie with everything a fan of B-movies could ask for. There’s a monstrous snake instigating mayhem, people getting eaten, some humour, some boobs, some blood, some gore, a couple one-liners, and all with a surprisingly good cast. A sequel was made, Python II, which is one of the worst direct-to-video/made-for-TV movies I have ever seen (check it out on C.C.C. Issue #15). It’s so bad, it’s not even worth talking about. However, another sequel was made, which was a cash-in on the “versus” craze going on at the time, and it offered a lot more than Python II. You can check out the review for that sequel tomorrow!